Recapping (Procrastination)

Hello Readers!

I realize there has been a lengthy stretch of time between this post and the last one–oops! But I’m back now, and I have plenty of things to say. I try to stay away from using clichés in my posts, but it’s nearly impossible to say something about 2014 without using one. So, in an effort to stay away from the clichés, I’m recapping. Here’s how I will remember 2014 based on journal entries I made throughout the year.

I entered 2014 after being brutally torn apart by the previous year (to say it dramatically).It seemed (in my dramatic mind) that everything that could’ve gone wrong had done so, and I was attempting to look snazzy in my SofO uniform even though I was hating SofO for challenging me and making me feel at times like I couldn’t do anything right. I entered 2014 listening to dramatic music, looking at cliché quotes on Pinterest, and overall making myself feel worse about myself by surrounding myself with everything depressing that I possibly could. So I thought maybe somehow 2014 would be better even though I was doing absolutely nothing to make it better than 2013.

Although I tried as hard as I could to convince my parents to let me go to Branson High School, I returned to SofO in my snazzy chapel SofO uniform figuring I would probably punch somebody in the face if they asked if I was okay, because I was obviously not and why was I at this school when I could be looking at depressing quotes and doing nothing with my life and making myself feel worse because I have no purpose when really I’m just not doing anything with my life. But in my mind, somehow looking at all of these depressing things would somehow clear my mind and make me magically happy and I would be better and okay and practically perfect suddenly cause life is a wishing well. (This has really been too hard on SofO, just heads up. It’s possibly the best thing that ever happened to me.)

The first month was a struggle. I vaguely remember Emily putting balloons on my locker on my birthday, and Kerry coming home from Cedarville to celebrate. Then we heard we would be moving. I don’t know why, but it lifted my spirits so much to think I would be leaving Branson finally after nine years of living there. But the closer we got to moving, the more I realized that it would be hard to leave. Halfway through the semester, my class took a trip to East St. Louis and built a garden for an inner city community. I bonded with my classmates so much over the course of this trip, and I realized that I was seriously going to struggle when I left Btown. I also realized that I had been an angry person during 2013, and if 2014 was going to be better, I had to lighten up and trust that God had everything under control. I had to let go of things that had happened the year before, and cast all my cares onto the Lord because He cares for me.

At the end of the school year, I cried a lot. Goodbyes are never easy (cliché), but they must be made in order to move on with life. Looking back, I see that if I had been homeschooled during that school year, or if I had gone to Branson High School, I would never made it through 2014. School of the Ozarks taught me perseverance and planted the roots for many other traits that would grow during the year. Although I had days when I felt like I couldn’t possibly succeed, I found that when I left, I felt like I could do anything. It challenged me, strengthened me, and prepped me for the move that was coming.

I’m much different now than I was a year ago. (Not to sound too dramatic) Branson was a beautiful, safe place to live when I was young, but it is time for me to grow up, and God chose to jump-start that growth by sending me to a new surrounding. At times, I still want to go back to Branson and pretend like I never moved away, but it’s too late, because I wouldn’t fit the same mold I did a year ago. The mold I fit a year ago is very different from the mold I’m in now (plus it was a lil more sassy), because God has grown me since then. New people will come and go, never filling the exact mold, but replacing the parts that are needing to be filled. God always provides enough to sustain, but sometimes you have to hold His hand and have faith that he will provide a way.

When I left Branson, I had never felt so loved in my life. I still have nearly every gift that was given to me (other than the edibles). I love the notebooks, the pillowcase, the notecards, the letters, the books, and all the other gifts that I received that I never thanked my friends for. I am especially thankful for the long hugs and little words that were given to me that I will keep in my heart. (cliché, yet true.) I departed from Branson on June 8th, 2014.

Some of le Gifts

June 9th, we arrived in Deutschland, and were grumpy. (That’s basically all I remember about that day.) We moved to three different houses in Germany. Mackenbach, Otterbach, and then back to Mackenbach. It was lonely at times. I didn’t know the language as well as I thought. I didn’t go to a real school because there wasn’t one suited for me. I didn’t have any friends out of Youth group. My youth pastor was a sort of hero at this point. He made it possible for me to go to a Youth trip called Euroventure. My small group on this trip was ridiculously encouraging, and I returned home ready to face whatever came at me. (cliché #3)

Now, when I return to the United States in five days, I will have visited 10 countries. (Namely Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Iceland, Spain, United States, France, Luxembourg, and Belgium.) Travel is a vital part of my change. Although I knew in the back of my mind that the rest of the world was a lil’ different from Branson, MO, I never dreamed that it could be *so different*. The variety of beauty in this world escapes my grasp. There is only one way that the world’s beauty could be so diverse yet so distinctly glorious–there is a Creator who is all-powerful who carefully constructed this universe. The islands of Venice are vastly different from the dry wasteland of Kansas (it’s not that bad I suppose, but you get the idea), yet they both have a place in my heart because they are unexplainably beautiful.

2014 consisted of changing, meeting people, and making new homes.

I traveled and I grew and I met people. I’m maybe a little less sassy than when I was in Branson, and I’m much more accepting of people who look or act different from me. I’m a bit less bitter about things that have happened, but I still have too many sins to count, and nothing good -I- can ever do will make them disappear. I can be satisfied in that I have made progress toward my goal of being like Christ, and I am continuing to pursue Him in the year 2015.

Update: This semester, I am moving to live with my Gramma in Kansas, and I will be leaving in #5dayyys! Currently prepping for a bit of culture shock.

Happy New Year!

Clara